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| Domestic Goose - By Noodle snacks (Own work) [GFDL (www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons |
"Before a West-country bench, Samuel Scrane was charged with stealing fowls from Mr. Grose, geese from Mr. Lambshead, ducks from Mr. Vellacott, and pigeons from Mr. Cobbledick.
Prosecutors proved missing the poultry, and Lambshead positively identified his grey goose. The following amusing statements were made in Court.
Lambshead : Yer 'onour I ciide swear tii my dear old grey giize.
Magistrates' Clerk : How could you do that ?
Lambshead : Cuz if I cal'th she, her'll knaw my voice and answer me back.
Magistrates' Clerk : By what name do you call her ?
Lambshead : Why, zir, her rayle name is Sarah, but zometimes us cal'th 'er Sallie; her knaweth uther wan of her names, and cometh when her's called, like a dog wid.
Magistrates' Clerk : Did you call her ?
Lambshead : Cal 'er ? Ess, I did, and 'er knawed me direckly. And 'er answered me back wi'a zoart of a tissy. That's 'er language you must knaw. Why 'er spoak so natteral as a curschin wid that's zo var's 'er ciide.
Magistrates' Clerk : Tell us more about it, Mr. Lambshead, exactly what you did and what Sarah did. We find this most interesting.
Lambshead : Tell, sir, I went to Scrane's 'ouze and when I corned there Scrane's wife zed to me, zed she, "Well, Lambshead, what's want yer ?" "Well," zed I, "I wants my giize, Sallie." "Well, than," zed she," 'er bant yer. I ant a zeed nort o' thee old giize Sally, and be damned tii ee." "Well, zed I, yii mid be civil I zim, and dawnt use noan o' yer cussing tii me, ver I'll be d d if I'll stand cussing and thieving intii the bargain. Zo, I jist made so bold as to walk strite drii th' ouze intii backouze, and there, I zeed amazing sight of poultry, and ruckied down in the far cornder was my poor old Sally, liiking so wisht as Simon Fluke's owl. The very minute 'er zeed me up er jumped and hissed and tissed fit tii bust 'erzel with joy. So I zed, "Sallie, Sallie, m' dear, be that yii ? Then 'er flied slap acrass the 'eads of all the rest of the ducks and vowls that was there, and corned and crawped down by my veet like a dog wid. I cudden 'elp crying, I cudden, so I tiiked her up in my arms and was gwaine tii car 'er away with me when Scrane's wife corned and hailed her away from me and scat 'er vore intti the yard. Well, I urned arter 'er and cald tii 'er : Sallie, Sallie, Sallie, come yer my purty ! and 'er rinned and flapped 'er wings tii me in a minute, 'er did, and I walked strite away out tii the gate and old Sallie arter me atissing and drawing abroad her wings fit to bust 'erzel, I tellee !
Magistrates' Clerk : This seems far too ridiculous, for belief. Did any one witness the mutual recognition between you and the goose.
Lambshead : Whativer be telling about, sir ? You spayketh so fine there's no understanding aw'ee, but I spose you be axing, who 'twas zeed my giize, Sallie, recognise me ? Why then, when I went to Scrane's 'ouze, Billy Chubb and Nick Stradles went with me and they both aw'm zeed Sallie rin tii me.
Magistrates' Clerk : Did you, Chubb, see the goose when she recognised Lambshead ?
Billy Chub : Ess, by Gor, I did, and twas a sight for sore eyes, I kin tellee, for when thickee old gennelman went vore and caled she, 'er urned tii 'n a hissing and a tissing as if twas 'er father. When us liiked into the back-ouze nobody ciide tell wan giize from 'tother, but the very instant 'er master spoke, 'er up and urned tu'h and rubbed 'er 'ead agin his legs so loving as a cheel.
Mr. Lambshead mutched 'er down awver 'er head and neck and 'er was so plaized as punch, 'er was.
Lambshead : There now, zir, didden I tellee so ? 'tez so true as the Gospel, tez ; I've ah'ad she for purty nigh ten year and I widden take ten pound for 'er. Why, my old 'oman lov'th 'er so well's 'er dii inny of our chillern. I mayns tii take 'er 'ome wi' me and keep 'er so long's 'er liv'th, ess fy ! Er'll sit in the chimbly cornder warm and comferble-like.
Magistrates' Clerk : I wish to see this goose.
Lambshead : I'll fetch 'er vore, sir.
Hereupon the goose was produced and placed in a far corner of the Court. When Lambshead called Sallie, Sallie, she rushed towards him clearing every impediment. Whereupon Scrane was convicted of the theft, and Lambshead left the Court with Sallie comfortably tucked under his arm.
Somewhat modified from report in Western Morning News."
Hewett 1900
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